Family and the death of a loved one

                                                              Family and Death

More than a million times, I have pondered on the meaning of family. The webster dictionary states that family means spouse and children; a group of persons of common ancestry; a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation.  To me, family means support, love, understanding, protection, loyalty, friendship and alignment. I now realized that I’ve verbalized family by thinking of it being a word of action when it’s only a noun involving people.

I’m in disarray when it comes to family because of the actions of certain family members that don’t align with what I assume family means. I was steadily searching for action from people that didn’t have to provide any action if they didn’t want to. Over time, as I matured and was exposed to life’s reality, I learned that masks don’t have to be worn physically, yet people have many masks on, particularly family.  It took death of my mom and sister to truly show me those that masked their identity well. In my experience in life growing in age, I realized that some people only love what you are giving them and not you. The minute the giving stops, the mask comes off! It took a while for me to understand that all elderly people have ways that we didn’t know were there because as a child we were taught to stay in your place, a child’s place! We were taught to respect our elders! I still believe that we should respect our elders and that our elders also need to be respectable. Growing up in an era where kids learned respect and were told what to do and what not to do, shaped us into hiding our emotions and shut up/deal with it. Today, as the news travel of another death of a family member by way of being written on social media and by texts or phone calls, I’m pondering on giving people their flowers while they are still alive because they can no longer enjoy them sitting on a tombstone.

So many loved ones transition without ever receiving their flowers, love, appreciation, xoxo, accolades or care from those in their family until it’s too late. I know my mom and sister loved me, but I was never verbally told that they loved me. A cousin of mine had my mom tell me that she loved me on her bed of affliction. I accepted that even if it was forced. God and time heal all wounds, if you allow HIM to. First, my mom and I had some situations that I didn’t agree with, yet I never disrespected her. I walked away. My mom needed hospice care, and I dropped everything concerning me to take care of her. I didn’t care what I had to do to be there for her because I made sure of giving her those flowers while she was still able to enjoy them. I love seeing people well even if it’s not reciprocating, I am not looking for anything in return. After her death, I became broken! Not because of her passing but the actions of family! I cried thinking about what I was seeing and the things that I heard! How? Why? When? Who? What? Every question I could have asked flooded my mind as tears filled my eyes. The brokenness was real! Trust was destroyed and everyone I looked up to as a role model shattered with my heart! I had to unlearn what I was taught to accept and live the truth. We as people tend to be offended by the smallest mistake made by a loved one that we hold grudges on and become bitter from something that could have been communicated amongst each other. No one forgives and forgets anymore! It becomes a manipulation tactic to get people to go against you for no reason at all just because of a bruised entitled ego. How long must we play this game of FAFO? Now you’re grieving because you didn’t have a chance to get closure on what happened. You can’t tell them how you feel. You can’t make your wrongs right.  You can’t tell them how proud you were of them and that you love them. You can now tell the world through post how much you loved them and that they were your twin, but we all know that’s cap as the young people say. It’s all a façade! No truth to it! Guilt eating away at your mind because you know how you treated them when they were here on earth. They ask for food, and you couldn’t feed them. They ask for help, but you couldn’t help. They ask for shelter, yet you told them you had no room. They asked for love, but you spewed hate!

Family, a word of people that sometimes forget to show action to loved ones through love, appreciation and acknowledgement. Don’t let the sunset catch you slipping! Forgive and give people their flowers while they are living, and you won’t have to feel guilty when they transition